As You Should Have Been
by Painbow
Summary: This started off as an “As You Were” alternate ending deal...but it definitely evolved a little. It still is based around the events of “As You Were”. This is Spuffy. If you hate Spuffy, just walk away.


**Author: "Painbow"**

**Summary:** This started off as an "As You Were" alternate ending deal, cause, man oh man I hated the end of that ep, but it definitely evolved a little. It still is based around the events of "As You Were", but, well...you'll just have to read it won't you... :)

**A/N:** Thanks to the Sprigel gals and Kirsten yet again, who read, listened, and praised, even when I taunted them with tidbits. Also extra thanks to spikeNdru who named this sucker, cause I was drawing a blank.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, Joss is a god, I humbly play with his works, etc, etc... I also used some sections of dialogue from "As You Were" written by Doug Petrie.

* * *

Buffy lay next to Spike on the sarcophagus. They hadn't made it as far as the bed. Again.

She looked over at the sleeping vampire, as he lay motionless beside her. Watching him sleep creeped her out a little. Without his chest rising and falling he looked like a corpse someone had laid to rest. He looked dead.

_Which he is... Buffy thought. Dead and evil and wrong and what am I doing here?!_

A rush of guilt hit her, the guilt she felt every time she visited Spike. She'd walk in, they'd exchange quips and insults, he'd make her come, she'd punch him, and leave feeling satisfied...but not. Physically, maybe...but emotionally? Emotionally she was never satisfied. He'd repeat over and over, at her request, that he loved her, and later she would throw it back in his face. Throw away and trample all over his feelings, ignore the look in his eyes that made her feel terrible, made her feel wrong. But it was right...right that she felt wrong. She was wrong. Tara had said she'd come back fine, but Buffy knew deep down that she hadn't. Maybe she wasn't a demon, but there was definitely something wrong with her. Something that made her return to Spike night after night.

This was the first time she'd stayed until he was asleep; usually she would punch him in the head and make a quick exit long before this. He'd been surprised when she'd lain down next to him on the sarcophagus. Usually the only time she stuck around was when they both passed out right after their pounding, and she always scrambled to leave as soon as she came to.

She had seen the questioning look in his eyes, but he had decided to keep quiet. He'd learned that any comment he made would see her out the door after she added to his steadily growing collection of bruises.

She looked at the black eye she'd given him before her birthday. Beaten to a bloody pulp while trying to stop her from turning herself in for a murder she didn't commit. He'd been in so much pain that he couldn't even lift himself from the pavement to follow her into the police station. And he had been right...not about the cosmic scales and how one murder wouldn't tip them, but that it hadn't been her fault.

She continued her study of his black eye. It still looked so painful. She felt her heart clench to think that she had been the cause of this pain. She reached out to touch his eye and her hand froze, mid-air, panic filling her.

_I felt bad for Spike...again! Oh God..._ She quickly stifled her panic and replaced it with anger. _It's his own damn fault he got hurt! He was in my way! He couldn't understand doing what's right!_ Her mental rant continued on this vein, shifting the blame for his injuries on to his shoulders. After all, he was an evil, soul-less _thing_. Who cared if he got hurt? Who cared about his feelings?

She pulled her had away from his face, glaring at his still form. She pushed herself up and threw herself away from him, retrieving her clothing from different recesses around the crypt and dressing herself in rapid movements before storming out the door.

Buffy's violent and none-to-subtle exit woke Spike from his slumber. He sat up groggily, staring at the still vibrating crypt door where the Slayer had run out a moment before.

He felt an all to familiar stab of hurt in his chest at another of her hasty retreats. He stifled his feelings with a wave of anger.

_Sod her!_ He thought. _Now I'm makin' her angry by just layin' here, doing nothing!_ He rolled over to resume his disturbed rest.

'Bloody women...' he muttered, as he drifted of to continue the dream he'd been having before he was so rudely awaken.

'I love you too Buffy...' came his mumbled voice, from the depths of sleep.

* * *

Buffy stormed through the cemetery in a rage. She was furious with Spike.

_Why?_ thought her treacherous mind. _What'd he do? Are we perhaps being defensive because we don't want to admit that we've actually started to CARE_ _for the bloodsucker?_

'Shut up!' she growled at herself, kicking a headstone and cracking it in two. Her eyes watered in pain as she clutched at her foot. She hopped over to sit on the next headstone, still holding her throbbing toe.

'Stupid James McPherson! Loving husband my ass!' Buffy began to curse the pain in her toe, which made her feel a little better, so she decided to curse all the things wrong with her resumed life. She cursed her slayer duties; she cursed meddling childcare workers who thought they could tell her how to look after Dawn. She cursed her boring, unfulfilling, dead-end job flipping burgers. She cursed her friends who couldn't just let her rest in peace, who had to bring her back so she could make a BIGGER mess of her life. She cursed the family that had bought this dead guy such an uncomfortable headstone. Finally she cursed the sarcastic and sexy vampire who she was starting to care about.

That thought brought her up cold. Buffy stamped on it, but her conscience was on her in a second.

_What was that? Care about him? Did we hear properly?_

'Shut up!' she yelled as she jumped off the grave and kicked a tree on the side of the cemetery. She was too angry to notice that she had further damaged her poor, mistreated toe.

'I don't care about him!' She screamed, now punching the tree. 'I don't! I can't! I-' She stopped. She had put her now bleeding fist straight through the trunk.

'Oh God,' she gasped, hand still embedded in the tree.

_Told ya,_ smirked her conscience, which was starting to sound a lot like Spike. Kind of ironic considering he didn't have one himself.

She pulled her hand from the mess of splinters and stared blankly at the trunk, ignoring the pain in her fingers.

'Oh God,' she repeated. She looked around the cemetery in a daze and then stared again at her bloody hand.

* * *

The Doctor watched the slayer nervously from the shadows. He had wanted to talk to Spike tonight, ask Spike to hold on to the demon eggs while he was out of town on business, but hell if he was going near the blonde vampire with the slayer in that mood. He'd heard rumors of their strange relationship, though no one had had the stones to actually ask Spike if they were true. The Doctor, like the demon community, wasn't entirely sure what the link was between the slayer and the vampire, but Spike had been looking so beat up lately. The Doctor was willing to bet a whole basket full of kittens that the slayer used Spike as her punching bag when she got into a 'mood'. After all, Spike couldn't hit back. Poor bastard...

The Doctor began to head back to the abandoned apartment building he called home. He'd just have to postpone his trip until after the eggs were sold. At least he'd be sure they stayed in good condition. Last time he'd tried to sell Suvolte eggs, the moron who'd held them for him had left them un-refrigerated...what a mess that had been...

* * *

Spike awoke to the smell of blood. Blood that was nearby...that smelled like...

_SLAYER! Christ! She's bleeding! What the bloody hell has happened to her?_ Spike flew from the lid of the sarcophagus, throwing on his pants and shirt and running out the door. It was a sign of his distress that he'd forgotten to put on his duster.

He ran through the cemetery, following the scent of her blood. It started to get stronger near the McPherson plot.

_Still MY territory! The demon that did this to her is gonna pay!_

Finally he caught sight of her, standing in front of a tree on the edge of the cemetery. Puzzled at the lack of demons, demon parts, and the slayer's state of apparent un-injury, Spike slowed his approach.

_But I can still smell blood...I know she's not on the rag...wrong time of month. So what's wrong with her? _

As Spike got closer he noticed the cracked gravestone and tree trunk with viewfinder. It sure looked like there had been a fight. Maybe it was one of those demons that disappeared when you killed them...

Spike called out to Buffy, but she ignored him. He moved closer and put his hand on her shoulder, knowing he was risking another black eye. She still didn't respond. Spike was starting to get really worried. He turned her around, putting a hand on each shoulder and giving her a little shake.

'Slayer!' he said urgently. 'Luv?! Can you hear me?' She seemed to relax a little and leaned forward into his hands. Spike took stock of her injuries. Blood was seeping through the material of her runners and her hand was a mess of dripping red and bits of wood.

_She must have put her fist straight through that tree! What could have made her do that?_ He thought back over the events of that night. He couldn't think of anything that would get her this upset...but then, she had stormed out of his crypt a couple hours earlier, and he still had no idea what had brought that on. He had just assumed her usual disgust with him, and herself for sleeping with him, had caused her to flee the scene as usual.

_Something else must have happened. Something really bad to get her in such a state..._ Spike was suddenly even more worried. Had something happened to the nibblet? Were those wankers at social securities taking Dawn away? Spike began to shake Buffy in earnest.

'Buffy! Buffy snap out of it, pet! What's wrong?! Buffy answer me! Has something happened to Dawn? Buffy!?'

Buffy finally blinked, and seemed to see him. She paled and tried to struggle out of his grasp.

'What are you doing Spike!? Let go of me!'

'What am I doing! What are you doing? Standing like a bleedin' sleepwalker in the middle of the bloody cemetery! All ready for any nasty that wants to take a bite!' His softened his tone. 'Buffy...what's wrong luv? What happened?'

Buffy looked at him, and he noticed something akin to fear in her eyes.

'N-nothing,' she rallied, 'nothing Spike! Just...just leave me alone! You- you disgust me!' She finally pulled her shoulders out of his arms and ran out of the cemetery in the direction of home.

Spike stared after her. He'd seen some odd behavior from his slayer, most of it since she'd been back, but that little display took the cake. He considered following her to make sure she got home all right, but in that mood? If she caught him lurking behind her he'd be lucky to be able to stumble home to his crypt before the sun came up. He looked after again. Alright, he was worried. Wandering around in a daze like that she was lucky nothing had gotten to her in the cemetery. It would be a miracle if nothing got her on the way home.

He sighed. He would never forgive himself if something happened to her again. He knew she wouldn't thank him, but he followed her out of the cemetery anyway, telling himself he was only going to make sure she made it home ok. His demon, which had started sounding a lot like the slayer lately, mocked his concern.

_What a wimp-ire you've become, Spikey. Concerned for the slayer? You're pathetic._

* * *

Buffy made it home without incident, still dazed from the cemetery. She walked into the kitchen to find a very surprised and guilty Dawn, who Buffy had told to be in bed by eleven. She left behind an even more surprised Dawn, when Buffy didn't even mention that it was three hours past her bedtime before heading to the stairs.

Dawn stared at the glazed look in Buffy's eyes and the blood dripping from her hand onto the living room carpet.

'Buffy? Are you ok? What happened?'

Buffy turned her head, 'Huh?...oh...I'm fine Dawnie. I'm just gonna head up to bed.'

Dawn watched her sister who bumped, without seeming to notice, into the coffee table on the way to the stairs. Dawn turned back to the milk she had been pouring before Buffy's arrival and noticed a familiar flash of peroxide blonde in the yard. Dawn ran to the door before Spike could wander off, calling after his retreating back.

'Spike!'

Spike stopped and turned around, heading back to the Summers' house.

'Ya nibblet?'

'Spike, what's wrong with Buffy?'

Spike came into the kitchen at Dawn's gesture and sat at the counter.

'Not sure bit. She went a little wonky after she left my crypt. Punched a hole right through a tree.'

Dawn stared at him, 'Through a tree!' Dawn turned her stare at the staircase that Buffy had climbed not five minuets ago. What could be wrong with her sister? Something that Spike said caught her attention.

'Why was she at your crypt?' Dawn asked. She watched Spike start out of his own thoughts and swore she saw a look of...something flash across his face.

'Huh? What?...Oh...um she was...you know, just givin' me a hard time like usual. You know, Tell Me What You Know About This Demon Or I'll Bash Your Face In. Same old slayer routine**.' **

'Right...of course.'

'So if you don't mind bit, I'd better head home. Got some evil, soul-less things to do. Creature of the night, yeah?' He smiled.

'Right. Well, see you later Spike...hey Spike?...You should stop by more.' Dawn looked shyly down at the counter. 'I've missed hanging out with you.'

Spike looked at Dawn, 'Love to bit. But I don't think big sis would appreciate me hangin' around.' Spike lowered his gaze to his nails, seemingly finding something fascinating in the chipped black polish. 'Might give you bad ideas.' He said it with his usual light-hearted, sardonic tone, but Dawn noticed a flash of bitterness in his averted eyes.

'Ok...but...well, you could come by when she's not here. She's been away a lot more lately. Ever since Willow's memory spell."

Yup. There it was. Dawn was sure this time, Spike definitely looked a little uncomfortable, but quickly pushed the expression away.

'I'll think about it Dawn, but I'd better be going before Buffy catches me hangin' around here...' He got up and walked out of the house, leaving Dawn very certain what was wrong with her sister. She felt a warm glow in her stomach. She'd seen that dazed look on Buffy's face before...right around her seventeenth birthday when she'd been in love with Angel.

* * *

Buffy shook her head as she left the bathroom. She could have sworn she'd just heard Spike downstairs talking to Dawn.

_I've just got Spike on the brain,_ she thought, as she made her way into her room and shut the door. _Which is bad! It's bad enough I care about him, but now I can't stop thinking about him too?_

_Why is it bad?_ her conscience countered, as she got into bed. _He's done so much for you. He loves you...and he's definitely a hottie!_

_Oh great,_ Buffy thought, _when'd my libido decide to start casting votes?_

As Buffy lay in bed thinking, and arguing with herself about Spike, she started to feel a little concerned with her ability to carry on a coherent debate while completely alone.

_This can't be good_ she thought. _I must be going round the bend. Peril of returning from the grave I guess. I've gotta be going crazy if I'm in love with Spike—_

She froze. _Whoa there,_ she thought. _In love? Since when?_ She thought back. She couldn't pinpoint the exact moment her feelings had changed from wanting to caring and from caring to love.

_Why aren't I panicking?_ He conscience reminded her of a tree that now had a fist shaped hole in the trunk and a family that was going to be REALLY upset when they saw their father's headstone.

_Ok...so maybe I already did the panic thing...but that was just when I thought I CARED for Spike...Why aren't I panicking now?_ Her conscience gave her about five seconds...

_5...I'm in love with Spike!_

_4...I'm in LOVE with Spike!_

_3...I'm in love with SPIKE!_

_2...I'm in love with Spike..._She smiled.

_1...What will my friends think?_ Her smile froze...

Buffy panicked.

* * *

Buffy moved through her day on autopilot. By the time she'd calmed down enough to sleep, it had been nearly time to wake up. She spent hours going over the probable reactions of her friends. She'd played the scenes over and over again until, finally worn out, sleep had claimed her. First she imagined Willow and Xander thinking it was all a big joke, followed closely by Xander's denial, Willow's attempt to understand, and then Xander's anger. Anya would make some comment about orgasms and when she called Giles she would almost be able to hear him clean his glasses through the phone, with eyes full of disappointment she could see even with a continent and the Atlantic between them. Buffy wasn't sure she could deal.

But Tara...Buffy could tell Tara. Buffy remembered what Tara had said to her, 'do you love him? It's ok if you do...' Tara was easy to talk to; she didn't make judgments.

So Buffy called her mid-morning and asked her out for coffee before work. Coffee was the only thing that snapped Buffy out of her daze, because now she was too nervous to feel tired. Even though Buffy trusted Tara, she still was worried that Tara would react like Willow and Xander, with surprise followed closely by disgust and disappointment. It was the reaction Buffy was sure she deserved.

Three o'clock came closer, and with it her meeting with Tara. Buffy headed out the door, the hideous orange uniform stuffed in a shoulder bag for later. She'd left a message on the fridge door for Dawn: Gone to work, will bring dinner home, don't stay up too late, Love Buffy.

She reached the Espresso Pump five minutes late and found Tara waiting for her at one of the tables.

'Hey,' Buffy smiled at Tara.

'Hey sweetie. How are you doing?' Buffy knew she was just asking as a form of greeting, but Buffy, for the first time in her life, took the first opening that presented itself and came straight to the point.

'I'm in love with Spike.' Buffy tensed and waited for Tara's reaction.

Tara stared, eyes wide, mouth hanging open. Just when Buffy was sure the chain of expected reactions was going to continue, Tara's face split into a wide grin.

'I was wondering when you were going to figure that out...'

* * *

Spike wandered aimlessly around his crypt. He had fifteen minutes until "Passions" came on, and he wasn't sure what to do with himself until then. He knew that if he sat down he'd start to think, and if he started to think, he'd think about Buffy, and if he started to think about Buffy right before "Passions" he wouldn't be able to focus on his soap, and the only Buffy-free hour he had all day would be shot to hell.

He turned the TV on to some commercial about life insurance, fat lot of good that'd do him, and immediately started pacing again. He was trying desperately not to think about how Buffy had acted last night, and what could be wrong with her, and if she was going to come by tonight, and if she was going to break it off with him, and if HE should break it off with her first cause that'd show her and maybe she'd be better off anyway without the evil soul-less thing hanging 'round her, but how could he leave her when he loved her with all his being, and still hoped that maybe someday she might care for him too, and every man in her life had left her and he was buggered if he was going to be lumped in with those wankers, and how something had to be really, really wrong with her for her to punch straight through a tree, and how he hoped that maybe she would confide in him like she had right after she'd comeback, and how he hoped she would come by tonight...

Spike let out a frustrated growl. Oh yeah, this pacing thing was definitely working.

Spike threw himself down in his armchair and forced himself to shut out thoughts of the slayer and the many problems that came with that tiny blonde package. It was time for a diversion. It was time for "Passions." This one was going to be good. Theresa was dead set on Ethan, but he didn't love her...

Spike settled into the armchair as "Passions" began. As the action started he felt thankful that he had something so removed from his own problems to distract him...

* * *

It was Buffy's turn to stare.

'Huh?'

'I said, I was wondering when you were going to figure it out. That you loved Spike."

Buffy opened her mouth to say something and closed it again.

'And before you worry, none of the others have any idea.'

'Oh,' said Buffy weakly. 'Good....'

'But I really think you should tell them soon. They need to know so they have time to work through it.' Tara gave her a reassuring smile. 'It really is ok that you love him sweetie.'

Buffy shook her head and looked at Tara.

'Tara...how is it ok? I'm in love with Spike! Another vampire! And he doesn't even have a soul! He's evil!'

Tara gave her a sympathetic look. 'You know Spike's not evil. Not like he used to be. But is that what you're worried about, or is that what you think Xander and Willow will say?'

Buffy's eyes filled with tears that she tried to suppress. _Public place Buffy...don't make a scene._

'Tara, it's what I know they'll say. The looks they'd give me if they found out! That's why I can't tell Spike, why I can't tell them...'

'Buffy...I know you think they'll hate you, but...people can surprise you. They both love you very much. If Spike is really important to you, then they'll try to be supportive.'

Buffy sniffled, still suppressing tears that wanted to fall. 'I keep forgetting you weren't there for Angel.' She smiled weakly, 'There wasn't a whole lot of support going on then, when he came back.'

Tara made a sympathetic face. 'I heard about that...I know it was hard at first, but later? Didn't it make things better? For your friends to know?'

Buffy sighed, 'I guess it did. It felt like this huge weight was lifted, and Willow was ok with it...well, after Angel saved her life...but Tara, Angel and Spike are different. Spike doesn't have a soul!'

'I know he doesn't, but...if you love him...does it really matter?' Buffy looked down at her hands. She had been wondering the same thing last night. Why did it matter? What was a soul anyway? Some humans had done some pretty awful things, and they had souls. Just...look at Hitler.

_Great argument Buffy: 'at least he's not as bad as the Fuhrer!' Oh, that'll win 'em over._ But even though her argument was lame, Buffy still wondered about souls...how much did they matter, really? With Angel, yes it made a huge difference, but Spike? He'd been changing on his own, without a soul. He did it for her...

Tara snapped Buffy out of her reverie. 'Buffy, I know Willow and Xander will be shocked, but I also know they'll get over it. They love you...'

'I know Tara. Thank you.'

'...and I think you should tell Spike. Right away.'

Buffy looked scared. 'Oh! But...I...Tara I don't think I can...I've been so horrible to him. How can I tell him I love him now?'

'Buffy, Spike loves you. Believe me, he'll want to know.'

Buffy looked down at her hands. She knew she owed it to Spike to tell him, she just wasn't sure how.

'Alright. I-I'll tell him tonight.' She looked up at Tara. 'I'll tell Spike tonight,' she said firmly.

'Tell Spike what?' asked Xander, walking into the coffee shop.

* * *

"Passions" was over and Spike knew that the no-confused-thoughts-about-Buffy-hour was up. Any minute now he'd start to think about her, and how she didn't love him, and how much he loved her, and how she felt under him, around him, and how...

'Bloody hell!' Spike growled out loud. He looked around the crypt and suddenly felt boxed in by the stone walls and the presence Buffy always left behind. Her smell, her emotions, her essence permeated the crypt and he could practically feel her next to him when he closed his eyes. He growled again, grabbed his coat, and headed to the sewers. Her presence was haunting the room, haunting him. He needed to get away.

* * *

Buffy looked up at Xander, new fear and un-spilled tears in her eyes.

'Tell Spike what?' Xander repeated. 'Will you make my day and say you're going to tell Captain Peroxide he's about to fit in a dust buster?'

Buffy looked at Xander and possible stories flashed through her mind. She could say she was going to get info on some demon, or that she was going to tell him to watch Dawn, or that she needed his help with the trio of nerds who hadn't made a blip on the radar since Katrina's death. She was sifting through these stories, when she felt an irrational wave of anger. Why should she lie?

Xander took in Buffy's face. She looked upset and angry. His eyes traveled to Buffy's bandaged hand. Spike had done something to Buffy. If she didn't stake the sarcastic pain-in-the-ass, the Xander was going to mount up himself.

'Buff? What's wrong? What'd he do? What d'you have to tell him?'

Buffy looked angrily up at Xander, and then a slow, evil smile spread across her face. 'Oh...he didn't do anything. I'm just going to tell him I love him.'

Buffy got up from her chair and gave Tara a quick hug. She smiled at Xander again, this time with happiness, and walked out of the Espresso Pump, limping slightly, and whistling "My Way" by Sid Vicious. Spike had made her listen to it last week, and even though Vicious had sounded drunk or high, or possibly both, she couldn't help but love the song she had detested the first time she'd heard it. There was an inherent charm she hadn't noticed before.

She turned the corner, leaving Tara to deal with a stunned Xander, and headed towards the Doublemeat Palace, singing.

'I did it myyyyyyy waaaaaay!'

* * *

Spike wandered through the sewers. He'd been walking for hours, just trying to get his mind off of Buffy. He'd tried thinking about anything that would distract him: his crypt ('needs a new rug'), Peaches (snarl), the cardboard soldier ('bloody wanker') what had been happening in his soaps ('poor Theresa'), the whelp ('moron'), Rupes leaving town ('the git'), the nibblet-

Dawn! Dawn had asked him to come by! She had looked really lonely, and after what had happened at Buffy's birthday, Spike felt guilty about not seeing her lately. It was just that with Buffy back he wasn't sure where he stood in her life. His semi-parental role was over, and besides, Buffy had never liked the idea of him and Dawn spending time together.

_Sod her! _Spike thought_. If she doesn't like the bit hanging 'round with me...well then she'll have to start spending more time with Dawn herself. Slayer's not the only one who's had everyone leave her..._

Spike turned back to his crypt. He was going to pick up his cards and then stop by the store and pick up something really sugary. With his goal in mind Spike made his way back through the dripping sewers.

* * *

At the Doublemeat Palace the staff were amazed to see the change in their usually depressed co-worker. They were stunned as she whistled while she cooked and gave the patrons genuine smiles at the till.

Buffy practically danced her way through her shift, excited and a little nervous for its end when she was going to visit Spike.

Finally work was over and Buffy left the Palace after changing out of her uniform. She made her way to the cemetery, singing the Doublemeat Palace theme song and not caring that she couldn't get the jingle out of her head.

* * *

Dawn opened the back door to find Spike grinning as he held up a bag of assorted sugar-covered gummies.

'Hey bit. Thought I'd take you up on that offer. Got some cards and enough candy to make your teeth rot.'

'Spike!' Dawn was surprised, but happy. She hadn't been looking forward to spending another night alone with only the TV for company. She grinned and let him in.

'One condition though bit. We gotta watch "I Love Lucy" at 10.'

Dawn rolled her eyes. 'Spike, you've seen like every episode at least twice.'

'At least. Bloody fabulous show.'

'Fine. But you have to teach me how you win at poker.'

Spike grinned and cocked an eyebrow. 'That, nibblet, would be telling.'

* * *

Buffy was a little put out. She had gotten to Spike's crypt, only to find it missing one peroxided vampire. She stopped herself from falling back on old habits of blaming Spike for everything he did that wasn't exactly what she wanted. Why shouldn't he be out? She didn't own him. Buffy did find it ironic though, that the one time she really did want to see him, Spike was not around.

She turned and headed back to her house, deciding that it was probably for the best...ok she was kidding herself. Buffy really wanted to see Spike... but...she still wasn't sure how she was going to tell him she loved him. It made butterflies take up residence in her stomach just to think about it.

* * *

Buffy came in the back door and tossed her bag down on the counter. She noticed the note she'd left on the fridge and swore. She'd completely forgotten about dinner.

Buffy looked through the fridge in an attempt to find something she could make for Dawn, but came up empty. When had they run out of food? She looked in the freezer. _Mmmm...ice cubes. Everyone's favorite snack._

Buffy walked into the family room to look for Dawn, and came upon a sight that filled her heart. Spike was sitting on the couch with Dawn curled up at his side. The two of them had fallen asleep in the middle of some show after what looked like a gorge-fest of pizza and sugar.

Buffy smiled softly to herself and began to quietly clean up the mess that the two had made. Once she had thrown out wrappers, pizza boxes, and beer cans and carefully closed the curtains, Buffy took off her jacket and sat down next to Spike on the couch. She pulled his arm around her and snuggled into his side. She looked up at his sleeping face.

'I love you,' she whispered, and in his sleep, Spike pulled her closer to him. Buffy sighed and drifted off, feeling, for the first time in a long time, satisfied.

* * *

Spike woke up feeling warm. He sighed and opened his eyes to the still dark Summers living room. He looked over to his right to see Dawn still sitting against him. They must have fallen asleep while watching the telly. Spike tried to lift his other arm to wake up the nibblet, but it was caught around something. He looked to his left to see Buffy, curled up at his side, his arm wrapped around her.

Spike blinked. He reached his right hand down to his leg and pinched himself. This was exactly like the dream he'd just had. They slayer had come in, lain down at his side, and, before falling asleep, whispered that she loved him.

Spike gazed at her face, deciding that after bruising his leg, this was not a dream. Buffy's eyes fluttered before they opened and she smiled softly as she stretched.

'Hello,' she said, after yawning.

'Hello yourself, pet.' Spike cocked an eyebrow questioningly.

Buffy blushed a little. 'You two looked so cozy when I got home from work...so I decided to join you.' She smiled sweetly, 'you don't mind?'

Spike was surprised at the question. 'Of course I don't pet. Just a little surprised is all. Last time I saw you, you were kicking over gravestones...' Spike let the unspoken question hang in the air.

'I-I just had to figure something out.' Buffy nestled herself to his side. 'And I did.'

Spike gave a puzzled look to the top of her head, and then decided not to question the slayer's good mood. Knowing her it would evaporate soon. He closed his eyes and drifted back off to sleep, making the most of this blessing.

* * *

Buffy woke later to the sound of the garbage truck driving away. She jerked up from the couch, intending to chase the truck down the street, garbage in hand, but sank back down. The truck was already gone, and she was way to comfortable. Dawn came into the family room, dressed for school and with a smile on her face.

'Hello sleepyhead,' she said.

'Morning Dawnie,' Buffy replied, sitting up slightly, feeling a little embarrassed. There was no way Dawn had not figured out what was going on.

'Why didn't you wake me to take out the garbage?' Buffy said, attempting to change the subject, or at least get Dawn to lose that knowing smile.

'I took out the garbage. I didn't want to wake you. You two looked so cute.' Dawn cocked an eyebrow, something she must have picked up from Spike.

'You did one of my chores? I must have crossed into the Twilight Zone!'

Dawn smiled wider, 'I could say the same thing...'

Buffy blushed and opened her mouth to reply when Spike shifted and opened his eyes.

'Mornin' bit,' Spike mumbled, still not fully awake. He ran his hand through his no longer slicked back hair. 'Innit time for you to go to school?'

'Hmmm...nice try Spike, but you can't get rid of me that easily.' Dawn grinned at them both still wrapped together on the couch. 'So...how long's this been going on? And why didn't you tell me?' Dawn was starting to show her excitement, voice becoming squeaky as she made wild gestures. 'This is like the best thing ever! When did this happen? How'd it happen-' she looked at Spike shift uncomfortably, and the dark shade of red that Buffy turned. 'Oh...On second thought, I SO don't want to that.' She watched Buffy turn even redder. _Yup...definitely better not knowing,_ Dawn thought. 'Ok, so don't tell me the details, cause it'll probably scar me for life,' Dawn grinned again, 'but that so doesn't matter! I'm so glad you guys finally worked this out! And that you finally admitted you liked him Buffy, cause it's been like so obvious, and really annoying waiting for you to—'

'Hey Dawn!' Buffy said, cutting her chattering, and dangerously close to being so very dead, sister off. 'Don't you have school...like now?'

'Hmph, trying to get rid of me again!' Buffy shot Dawn a warning look. 'Fine! I'll leave you two alone to...talk...'

Dawn giggled at Buffy's glare and went into the kitchen for a hearty breakfast of ice cubes, tap water, and cold pizza, fully aware of how much she had irritated Buffy. _Serves her right! She's been jerking Spike around for WAY to long!_

Spike smirked as he heard Dawn's happy giggles coming from the kitchen, and then turned to Buffy.

'So...'

'So...what?' Buffy put her head back on his chest, missing the irritated look that quickly flashed across Spike's face. He waited until he knew he wouldn't snap at her.

'So...when'd you decide that snuggling would be a part of this...relationship? I seem to recall you didn't like the idea of us waking up and reading the newspaper together...'

He felt Buffy flinch. _Interestin'..._ he thought.

'You said you didn't mind,' she said casually.

'You know I don't pet. Just curious is all.'

Buffy sighed. 'Do we have to talk about it now? I just wanna lay here a little longer before I have to deal with everything.'

Spike suppresses a sigh of his own. 'Course luv.' He pulled her closer, knowing that anything he said to try make her talk would just result in a longer silence. He wasn't sure what was going on, but he was definitely in favor of it. He'd used the 'R' word and she hadn't even batted an eye.

_I called it a relationship and she didn't punch me in the forehead. Will wonders never cease?..._ He just hoped it wasn't another spell. Whatever had caused the changes in the slayer, he was in favor of it.

* * *

Willow made her way to the bathroom thinking. Xander had been in a snit last night at the Bronze, and that had put Anya, who was already stressed about the wedding, in a bigger snit, so all in all it had not been the best outing. Willow had thanked the goddess repeatedly that her childhood dreams of a wedding to Xander had not come true.

But Willow had guessed that there was something more bothering Xander then just nuptial jitters. He had said a definite no when she had suggested inviting Dawn and Buffy, saying darkly that Buffy probably had OTHER things to do...and that if they weren't inviting her then it'd be a bad idea to invite Dawn. Willow had given him the 'what in the frilly heck are you talking about' look, but Xander had grumbled something about needing to sort out seating and avoided being alone with Willow. Willow had spent the rest of the night trying to figure out what was wrong with Xander, but he and Anya were in such a state of stress with the wedding a week away that Willow had decided squeezing the info out of Xander could wait until she could get him alone.

Willow finished up in the bathroom and headed down the stairs, thoughts turning to Tara, and the opportunities that an upcoming wedding would provide for possible reconciliation. In this absorbed state she walked through the family room into the kitchen.

'Hey Buffy. Hey Spike.'

Willow kept walking, not really taking in the scene on the couch. She got to the kitchen and was pouring milk over he cereal before what she had seen in the other room registered.

Buffy looked up to see Willow run through the doorway, eyes wide, carton of milk in hand. She began to stammer incoherently, mouth moving to form proper words, and the words deciding not to oblige.

'Wh-wh-wh-wha...bu-bu...s-s-s...wha...?'

Buffy barely noticed Spike's grip tighten on her waist as she decided to help her friend before said friend had a coronary. But before Buffy could open her mouth, Spike was jumping up, explanation already forming.

'Mornin' Red..I was..uh...just showin' the slayer some holds that some of the nastier demons use, but now that the sun's up, I guess I'll be on my merry way...'

Willow continued to gape; clearly not buying Spike's feeble explanation but also unsure if she wanted to know the real one. Buffy noticed Spike's not so surreptitious move towards the door, and stopped him.

'Spike, stop. You don't have to go. Willow,' she said, turning to her friend, 'Spike stayed here last night. We...we're in...a relationship.'

Buffy felt not only Willow's incredulous look, but one from Spike as well. Willow's look quickly changed to one of anger that she moved to Spike.

'You!' she said with barely concealed disgust. 'You give me a really hard time about not getting all the 'special' programming out of the Buffy-bot and you go and get yourself another one! I can't believe you! Buffy's gonna dust your leather covered ass! It was bad enough the first time, but now you've brought IT here!' Willow glared and her face flushed. 'Was the fantasy not good enough at your crypt? Needed a little more realism? And to think I was starting to trust you...'

Buffy and Spike were struck dumb by Willow's rant. Buffy recovered first.

'Willow, I'm not a robot!'

'Hmph. That's what the other robot said. Why else would you be with Spike?'

'Because I lo- because I am!' Buffy couldn't believe she had almost slipped in front of Spike. She wanted to tell him, she really did. Just...not like this.

'Fine,' Willow said. 'If you're not a robot, then what did I think back when we were in high school and that demon made it so you could read minds? That's something Spike wouldn't know.'

Buffy let out an irritated sigh. 'Fine. You thought that I wouldn't need you anymore because I had even more powers and that I knew Oz better then you because I knew what he was thinking when you didn't...now can we drop it? I'm still trying to repress that experience. It was bad enough finding out Giles had sex...but with my mother?' Buffy heard Spike choke behind her. She couldn't tell if it was with laughter or surprise. Willow looked like she finally believed Buffy. She folded and unfolded her arms, eyes widening again.

'You're really Buffy...'

Buffy was getting very irritated now. This was why she had wanted to put off telling her friends. She'd been lucky with Xander, leaving Tara to deal with it. She still felt a little stab of guilt at abandoning Tara and making her deal with that mess. Buffy knew Xander probably reacted badly...she'd better call Tara to find out what had happened and to thank her for dealing. It couldn't have been pleasant. Now Buffy just had to wait for Willow's next reaction.

Willow started to laugh. _Great...here goes the chain of reactions. Joke, surprise, inability to understand, attempt to understand while thinking I'm crazy, Scooby meeting that won't include me, intervention._ Buffy sighed. She so didn't want to deal with this.

Spike was standing behind the slayer in a shock of his own. _She told Willow_ was repeating itself over and over in his head. If only he knew what it meant to her...he thought...he though he'd almost hear the L-word slip out...

_Overactive imagination Spikey...she'd NEVER say that. Remember, even if she's telling her friends, you're still a thing to her...she doesn't love you, she's just using you as a higher class of dildo..._

Spike snarled at himself and his thoughts...why did they have to sound like HER?

Something, besides the revelation about Rupert's sex life, penetrated the bubble Spike had been living in...Both Buffy and Willow were looking at him, definitely startled. What was going on? Had he snarled out loud? He hadn't meant to...he didn't even really know what the two had been saying to each other after Buffy's confession. He vaguely remembered hearing some laughing...

He stared back at both of them and decided to fall back on his usual reaction. He smirked, made a sarcastic comment about being about his business, then pulled his coat over his head and ran out the door. He needed some time alone to sort out his confused thoughts. He also felt it wise to give the slayer space while dealing with her friends. Having him there would definitely only make things worse.

He ran up the street towards some shade that would take him to the nearest sewer entrance. He'd go home and think...

Buffy and Willow watched Spike run out after letting lose the most frustrated sounding snarl. After the door shut and the surprise wore off, Buffy whirled on Willow.

'You had to laugh! Hurt his feelings like that!'

Willow gave Buffy a look that was, if possible, more shocked then all of her previous looks. 'Buff? Since when do you care about Spike's feelings?'

'Since I fell in love with him.'

* * *

Buffy's shift at the Doublemeat wasn't quite as easy as the night before. She couldn't stop thinking about Spike and how he'd run out.

_Knew you loved him, _her conscience said smugly_, you haven't stopped thinking about him all day._

_Fine,_ Buffy thought back. _Gloat all you want. You were right._ She smiled as she flipped a burger. She should have listened to that voice earlier. She had been drowning it out before, refusing to listen to it. It had been quiet anyway, at least compared to thoughts of lost Heaven and of what her friends would think of her using Spike.

Tara had been right. She did feel better now that Xander and Willow knew. Ok, so neither one had reacted well, but she had expected that. An intervention was most likely in the works, but at least now she wasn't sneaking around, worrying about getting caught. And now that she wasn't insulting and excluding Spike, maybe her friends would be more willing to accept him.

_Hmm...dream on Buffy. Well, now they'll HAVE to be nicer towards him, or I'll kick their asses. Maybe...maybe one day they'll accept him..._

She hoped they would, because he was a big part of what had started her recovery from the recent resurrection. He'd helped so much just by listening to her, being there for her, and understanding when her friends couldn't.

And that brought her thought process full-circle.

_I hope he's not too upset. He sounded so frustrated when he ran out._ Spike had a tendency to hide his hurt with frustration and anger. Judging by the level of aggravation that snarl had held, he was probably pretty upset. Hopefully what she had to say would lighten his mood.

_I still can't believe I love him, _she thought. _I mean, Spike of all people._ That thought made her frown a little. True, he had once been her enemy, but she had to stop thinking this way. All this 'why him?' stuff was going to give him a complex. He'd be getting enough of it from her friends; he didn't need it from her too.

The assistant manager, _wanker_, told her to take the counter. Buffy stifled a giggle at her mental insult. She was starting to sound like Spike. Not good. Next she'd be calling people by a series of pet names and saying 'bloody' a lot. She grinned as she looked up at her next customer. Something in her brain tried to get her attention as she launched into her speech.

'Welcome to the Doublemeat Palace. How may I help...huh—?'

The something jumping around in her brain finally gained her notice. It wasn't a customer. It was Riley.

* * *

'Riley.' Buffy stared at her ex. She saw that his lips were moving, he was saying something, but she couldn't hear him. _So this is hysterical deafness... _she thought in the strange calm of the shocked.

'It's you.' She felt it was important to establish this for sure. Her brain was processing information at an incredibly slow rate...again he said something she wasn't really listening to.

'You're here.' _Still working through the process...so he IS here._

'I know,' he replied. Buffy was beginning to hear him...and he sounded like he was getting a little exasperated. Well, she still had some questions and some shock to work through... 'And...were you always this tall?' He really was very tall...he towered over her...and was that a scar by his eye? It gave his face a little personality... _'bout time something did,_ said a snarky little voice that went largely unheeded, due in part to Buffy's current preoccupation with Riley's height.

'Look, this isn't the way I wanted it,' Riley continued, sounding urgent, and a lot like an agent from a lower quality soldier movie, 'but something's come up, something big. We don't have much time. You understand?'

'Not a word you've said so far.' The blank stare on Buffy's face had not left, but now it hid a very busy, if not entirely on topic, thought process.

_He's very tall...and with that scar...where did he get that? Wild life in South America? Maybe he was clawed by a tiger...wait, no tigers in South America...On second thought it was probably a demon, after all he did go there to hunt demons..._ She realized that Riley was talking again.

'Right. I should have known, anticipated. You're working.' He still sounded so "Mission: Impossible."

'Well, just counter, not grill anymore.' Buffy was struggling to come up with pertinent contributions to the conversation, but she was damned if she was going to say nothing.

'I want to explain, I just don't have time. I've been up for 48 hours straight tracking something bad, and now it's come to Sunnydale.'

It was like he had never left...well, he had the scar, and the Kevlar, and his hair was a little different, and he'd definitely gotten taller, but he still talked in the exact same way. He was still so...military, so...cardboard. Who had called him that? She couldn't really think right now...she needed to say something...

'My hat has a cow.'

Riley decided it was best to just ignore that last comment. He had to get through to Buffy. This mission was really important and he needed her for it. Sure it was a bit of a shock to drop in like this, but, well, the mission was important. He had to make that clear.

'I know I'm putting you on the spot, showing up like this, but...but you know, here we are. I need the best. I need you Buffy. Can you help me?'

Buffy's assistant manager came over to see what the holdup was, and to passive-aggressively remind her that was in charge.

'Hellooo, Buffy? People are waiting.' But Buffy didn't respond like she normally did, with an apology before she did what he asked. This time she grabbed her bag and followed the James Bond wannabe she'd been serving out the door.

'Buffy, uh...Buffy! Wait! Buffy!'

She didn't come back. He'd be sure to tell the manager later. She'd been acting so weird lately. Almost...happy, which was definitely not the Buffy he'd come to know. Well, she'd learn that she couldn't just run out before her shift ended. She was supposed to help close today, and who else would scrape the gum off the underside of the tables?

* * *

Buffy followed Riley to his car. She had listened while explained about the Suvolte he'd tracked to Sunnydale. She was still trying to come to terms with his presence. She hadn't really expected to see him again. Well...that was a lie. The cynical part of her had. She knew he'd wait until her life was in the crapper before he waltzed back into town with all his stupid military equipment and silly acronyms. She should remember to listen to her cynical self more often, it was usually right.

But, well, at least she was starting to feel better now. She'd made progress. Especially with...Spike.

_Oh God! Riley CAN'T find out about Spike. It's one thing for my close friends...but Riley? He wouldn't understand. He always hated Spike. He could never see him as more than Hostile 17._

_Neither could you until a couple of days ago..._ said a treacherous little voice.

Normally she would have told that voice to shut up, but she knew it was true. She'd treated Spike like crap. But confessing to Riley wasn't going to make that any better. Most likely it would lead to Spike becoming a big pile of dust.

So she bantered with Riley while they got ready to face the newest threat to the populace of Sunnydale.

* * *

After an unsuccessful confrontation with the "wild bear", which Buffy thought was the lamest cover story he'd ever come up with, topping even paintball, they headed to Riley's suburban assault vehicle to track the demon that Riley had at least managed to hit with a tracer.

'How you doin'?' he asked, as they drove towards the signal that the now tagged demon was emitting.

'Complicated question,' Buffy replied. _And he has no idea HOW complicated..._

'I just meant—'

'I know.'

'I hear ya. Got some, uh...big stories to tell you. If we ever get half a second.'

'Did you die?'

'No.'

'I'm gonna win.'

Riley didn't really know what to make of that comment. He looked over at her to see if she was joking, only to notice that Buffy was still dressed in orange. That drove all other thoughts from his mind. He handed her the spare Kevlar he had in the back. The orange made her look like a pylon, and that could endanger the mission.

After she had changed they talked about more inconsequential things until he finally said what he'd been working up to before being distracted by her vivid uniform.

'There's not a lot of people I'd ask to risk their lives for me. It's really great to see you Buffy.'

'Thanks,' she said, stifling a sigh. She wished she could say the same, but really...she wasn't so happy about his visit. Great, she knew he was alive, but his presence stirred up a lot of old emotions, and she knew that trouble would be next. She had a feeling that this visit was going to bring pain...she just wasn't sure yet for who.

* * *

_Yup...pain was right._ Buffy was in a daze. She'd been spending a lot of time in a daze since her return from Heaven, and she was gaining the ability to discern between different dazes. This one was a new one. She had decided to name it "my ex-boyfriend got married, didn't tell me and I had to find out from his wife, who hunts demons too." Buffy watched the women who had dropped in on her and Riley after they had fallen together. It had looked like they were getting cozy, but Buffy had really been about to push Riley away. Now she just wanted some answers.

'How long have you been married?'

'Four months almost.' Riley didn't even have the decency to look embarrassed.

'Mazel tov. Any children?'

Riley finally caught on that he was supposed to be at least a little apologetic. 'Buffy, I meant to tell you. When the time was right...'

Buffy tuned out the rest of his apology, half listening to his explanation of their shared interest in killing demons. When she noticed they were having trouble, she finally decided she should do something and moved towards the demon.

'Call this your wedding gift.' Buffy snapped the demon's neck. 'So... guess that's mission accomplished.'

* * *

Buffy sat in Riley's car as he drove her and Sam, the wife that he had finally decided to fill her in on, back to the Summers' house. She was a little put out by the whole situation. How was she supposed to know they wanted the demon alive? And now she had to play host to Riley and the wife.

She listened as he told her about how they had met in South America, their wedding on a helicopter, how happy they were. She knew she was being silly feeling upset about Riley being married. She had never been in love with him, not really, and now she was in love with Spike, but it still hurt to know he was over her.

_Well, _she thought a little pettily,_ he's not the only one who can dish out the pain._

'So,' Riley said, 'what happened to you after I left. '

_Here we go,_ Buffy thought before she began to speak.

'Well after you left...' Buffy had to tell him about her mom first, before she started on the Glory stuff. She knew if she saved it for last, she'd find some way to wiggle out of telling him, and he should know. He had liked her mom.

'After you left, mom got better—'

'Buffy, that's great! I'm so glad!'

'Riley, wait. I'm not done.'

Riley sensed that she had bad news. He steeled himself for the worst. Her voice was so sad, he knew what was coming, and he felt bad about leaving her right before it happened.

'She got better for a bit...then...she passed away from a complication due to the surgery.

'Buffy...I'm sorry.'

Sam, who had been silent until this point, spoke up. "I'm sorry too Buffy. That must have been really hard.'

'Thanks...it was. It still is...'

They sat in silence for a while, Buffy trying to regain control of her voice so she could tell Riley what else had happened.

'Well,' she said when she was sure her voice wouldn't sound choked, 'as for the rest of it...we finally got some info on Glory.' Riley shook himself out of thoughts of Joyce and began to listen to Buffy. 'It turns out that she was a god from this Hell dimension until she was kicked out by some other Hell-gods.'

'A god? You're not serious.' Riley looked amazed.

'Yup. A bona-fide god. So anyway, Dawn finds out that she is the mystical Key-thingy that Glory is looking for...'

Riley started. 'Dawn's what?'

'The Key. She used to be this mystical ball of energy until some monks made her human to hide her.'

Riley looked shocked. 'But I remember her. She...she's so real.'

'I know. She is real, and the Key. I know it's kinda weird...'

'Kinda? It's really weird Buffy.'

'I know...but well, she's still my sister.'

'And a Key.'

'Yup. Anywho, Dawn finds out when she and Spike are out at the magic shop...' Buffy watched his hands tense on the steering wheel at the mention of Spike. _Oh yes, Mr. Finn. I'm not the only one who's gonna get hit with the pain..._ She knew she was being petty and small, but she didn't care. She was still angry with him for leaving her right when things got tough. If mentioning Spike pissed him off, well...she'd be sure to tell him just how much Spike had helped. She decided to edit her knowledge of Spike's feelings, and HOW she had found out. She wanted Riley to get how much Spike had helped, and not have any reason to go stake him.

'Anyway,' said Buffy, continuing, 'Dawn didn't take it well.' Buffy paused. She remembered Dawn holding the knife, blood pouring down her wrists. She shuddered before she continued to tell about the events leading up to her death.

'...and Glory somehow finds out that the Key is human. First she thinks its Spike.'

'But Spike's not human,' Riley said, and Buffy could sense that he was restraining his emotions at the mention of Hostile 17.

'Nope, but her leprous hobbit minions didn't know that, and Glory decides that he knows something, so she tortures him to make him talk.'

'Which, knowing Spike, he did.'

'No...he didn't. He didn't tell her, and he told...he told...umm, his friend Clem that he'd have let her kill him before he let Glory get Dawn.

'Buffy, this is Spike we're talking about. He probably lied.'

'I know he didn't because Glory had no idea that Dawn was the Key.'

'Still should have staked him. He's dangerous.'

Buffy suppressed a wave of anger. 'Riley, Spike has been here, helping me, and the gang since...he's stuck with us, ok? We wouldn't have beat Glory without him.'

Riley saw that something had change between Buffy and Spike. He didn't sense any of the disgust that was normally in Buffy's voice at any mention of the Billy Idol wannabe. Riley didn't know what the change was, but he did know that he didn't like it. He decided to keep his peace, at least until later. He still wanted her to fill him in on what had happened to her.

'So, what happened next with Glory?'

'Well, after her mistake with Spike, she decides that the Key must be Tara. Of course, when she finds out she's wrong, she gets really angry and brain sucks her. Willow tried to attack Glory for revenge, but it didn't really work. When Tara was released from the hospital Glory found us and Tara let it slip that Dawn was the Key. Spike rented a Winnebago and we got the hell out of Sunnydale until these knight guys caught up with us...'

Riley listened stunned as Buffy told him about the fight with the Knights of Byzantium, Giles' injury, that Ben was actually Glory, and how Spike had allowed himself to be pushed off the side of a tower in an attempt to save Dawn. He couldn't believe how much Buffy had been through. He felt guilty again for leaving, and he felt another surge of anger at Spike. He told himself Spike didn't really care about Dawn. He was just trying to impress Buffy.

'So what happened when you got to the top of the tower?' Riley asked, anxious to hear the rest.

'I...I jumped. To save Dawn. She had already started to bleed. If I hadn't she would have died.'

Riley looked at her. 'And it didn't kill you? Wow, you're stronger than I thought.'

'Riley, it did kill me. My friends brought me back to life.'

* * *

Riley was having a hard time dealing. Buffy had died. Willow had brought her back to life. Dawn was some key thingy. Spike had...Spike had helped, been Dawn's babysitter while Buffy was...while Buffy was...dead.

He looked over at the woman who had had loved. She looked thinner, more tired. But there was something about her. She looked like she was happy about something, like something good had happened to her recently that took away from all of the bad things she had faced in the last year. He had pulled in to the Summers' driveway long before Buffy had finished talking. Now he got out of his car to follow Buffy and Sam, who had remained silent after offering her condolences.

Riley put thoughts of Buffy's ordeals out of his mind and started to focus on the mission again. They needed to find the doctor before the deal went forward. Catching up with Buffy was important, but the mission was still what mattered.

* * *

Buffy unlocked the door and walked through to find the Scoobies assembled in her living room. Willow looked concerned, Xander looked angry, Anya looked like she was still stressing about the wedding, Dawn was flashing Willow and Xander irritated looks, and Tara smiled apologetically.

_Oh great. Here's that intervention I was waiting for. I SO don't have time for this._

She decided to act casually and stall until Riley entered. At least his presence would finally have a positive impact.

'Hey guys. What's up?'

'Buffy,' Willow started. 'You know what we want to talk to you about. We're concerned...' Willow looked to the door and saw Riley. All thoughts of a Spike-intervention left her head as the wayward soldier walked into the house with a strange woman.

Dawn looked at Riley with that special sullen look only teenagers can perfect. 'Agent Finn returns.' _To screw everything up...bastard._

Riley looked like he didn't know what to say. Buffy hoped he wouldn't let the Key-thing weird him out.

'Dawn...' Riley looked her up and down and rallied his thoughts. 'Geeze, look at you...I think you grew a foot and a half.'

'A lot can happen in a year,' Dawn replied. Riley caught the 'after you left you jerk' subtext and looked suitably chastised.

'Well, it's good to see you,' he said, trying to convey that he did feel bad. Unfortunately for him, emotion had never been Riley's strong point, and Dawn didn't really care anyway, fully intending to never forgive Riley for leaving and then deciding to return at such a bad time. _He's going to wreck everything with Spike...bastard._

Xander's reaction was much different than Dawn's. His face split into a huge grin as he greeted Riley. 'Riley! Here's the man! Life taker, heart breaker...you know...figuratively speaking.'

Willow came forward and gave Riley a hug. 'Hi Riley.'

'Hi Willow.' Riley grabbed Sam's hand and pulled her forward. 'Everyone, I'd like you to meet Sam, my wife.'

Everyone looked at Sam in shock followed quickly by smiles as Riley began introductions. Xander and Willow took in the carefully blank look on Buffy's face and realized that now was not the time to give her hell about Spike. Buffy was clearly upset and needed her friends' support in light of Riley's return plus one wife.

* * *

Buffy was glad to be out of the house. She was not reacting well to Riley being back, and her friends were not making it any better. They had offered to help, in true Scooby form. Willow had decided to hate Sam for Buffy, Xander had tried to distract him with wedding talk, and everyone had agreed to help find the dealer that Sam and Riley were looking for, but what Buffy really needed now was to get away from everyone, to sort out her thoughts. She was angry that she had killed that stupid demon. If she had just let it live, then Riley and Sam could have followed it to the doctor and been out of Sunnydale so much sooner. Now they were staying with her until their mission was accomplished. Yay.

But she couldn't even patrol on her own. Sam had insisted on tagging along and kept on talking about Riley. Buffy wasn't sure if she wanted to know how they met. She was glad that Riley was doing so well, but...it really just reminded her of all the things she didn't have. The only thing going kinda right at the moment was Spike, and she hadn't even told him yet how she felt. Last she'd seen him he'd run out of the house...

Buffy started to worry. All the Riley stuff had pushed Spike out of her brain, but now she felt an overwhelming urge to see him, to work out the problem that had caused him to flee, to tell him how she felt.

She turned to Sam. 'Sam. You know what? Um...I think we should split up.'

Sam looked upset with herself. 'Oh! I'm slowing you down! I knew I would, this was just selfish of me.'

Buffy felt bad about lying to Sam, but she really wanted to see Spike and the last thing she needed was Riley finding out.

'No! Its not...uh...there's this guy...an informant...but he's twitchy. I show up with company and we get nothing.' Buffy really hoped Sam would buy her explanation.

'Cool,' Sam replied. 'I'm guessing Finn needs me about now.' Sam turned to leave. 'He's probably somewhere getting his ass kicked,' Sam grinned, 'you know how wild he gets. Don't worry about Rye and me. We're good.'

Sam loped out of the graveyard to look for her husband. Buffy tried to stifle a jealous reaction. She didn't want Riley, but she did want what he had. She set off towards Spike's crypt.

* * *

Spike turned in surprise as Buffy entered his crypt. He didn't know what to make of her expression or what to say, but hey, smart-ass remarks were always a safe place for him.

'Buffy. Hey now. If I'd-a known you were coming I'd-a baked a cake.'

Buffy looked at him standing in front of his sarcophagus and tried to form the words. I love you Spike...how hard could it be? Apparently really, because that wasn't what passed her lips.

'I need information.' _Damnit Buffy! Why are you so chicken-shit!? Just tell him!_

'Well I suppose I could be helpful.' Spike was definitely a little hurt and a lot confused. He'd thought they'd been making progress and now she was back to treating him like nothing more then an informant. He hid his feelings behind yet more wit. 'If the price is right...I'm not sure I'm selling out at Doublemeat Palace wages, though.'

_Tell him Buffy! Tell him!_ But she couldn't. It was like she was stuck in some horrible script...she couldn't stop talking about Riley's stupid mission.

'I need to find a guy. Dealer. Calls himself The Doctor. What ever he's doing, he's doing it soon...' She looked steadily into his eyes, trying to force herself to tell him what she wanted to. Spike wasn't helping. He wasn't just falling back on his usual snark, but his 'if I can't get through to Buffy with talking, I'll try shagging' routine.

'Soon but not now?...' he said with a suggestive leer.

Buffy finally found the courage to halt the inane mission talk and change the subject. 'Tell me you love me.' _Ok...not quite what I had in mind, but better than talking about the stupid dealer...after he says it, tell him._

Spike's eyes glowed. 'I love you. You know I do.'

'Tell me you want me.' _What!? Buffy! What are you doing? Tell him!_

'I always want you.' Spike gave her a seductive look. _Right, time for more sodding games. Well...I know what I want right now, even if she doesn't_ 'In point of fact—'

Buffy interrupted Spike by kissing him, all the while ignoring the voice in her head that was screaming at her, calling her a coward and a fool.

_You have to tell him_ the voice screemed.

_I will, she thought back, just...later._ And she lost herself in Spike's arms.

* * *

Spike lay on the sarcophagus next to Buffy. Again she didn't seem to be in any hurry to run off.

He was definitely still confused. When she had burst through his door earlier, he had just finished convincing himself that she did care for him. He had found his crumb. But when she started talking about demons and doctors and missions, his crumb had been blown away. She didn't care for him. She never would. So he had decided on what he wanted from their relationship: sex, and lots of it. He would always care for her, always love her, but he was a realistic man. He'd take what he could get.

But that was the thing...just when he'd resigned himself to a life of touching her body but never her heart she'd surprised him. When she kissed him it had been different. After she kissed him it was different. He hadn't seen her retreat into herself, like usual. She'd looked him in the eye the entire time they moved together, and when they had climaxed, he swore he saw something in her face. Something different. At that moment his crumb had turned into a whole loaf.

Now of course, the doubt returned. His internal Buffy-voice was calling him a hundred kinds of fool for thinking AGAIN that Buffy might care...

He looked at her laying beside him and wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her closer. She sighed, and snuggled closer in her sleep. Spike kissed the top of her head, and drifted off to sleep, still looking for answers.

* * *

Riley made his way through the cemetery. He was fuming. How could Buffy trust Spike? Riley had told her Spike was dangerous, but would Buffy listen? Would Buffy stake the monster? No. And now he had it from a source that Spike was involved in trafficking Suvolte eggs. Well, Buffy sure wouldn't trust him after this...

Riley found Spike's crypt and paused outside the door. He calmed his temper. As much as he wanted to stake the vampire, he couldn't. Spike had information that Riley needed. But that didn't mean he couldn't put Spike in a lot of pain. Riley smiled a tight, cold smile. Oh yes, someone was about to enter a world of pain...

* * *

The crypt door burst open. Spike sat up groggily, expecting to see the slayer making another violent exit. When Buffy sat up next to him, Spike was defiantly a little confused. He squinted at the door to see who had so rudely kicked it in. He saw a tall, rigid figure in the door. Riley...

_No wonder she came to me,_ Spike put on a smirk to face Riley and hide his bitter thoughts. _Captain America returns and she comes for some cold comfort. No caring, no crumb, just using me again...still._ Well, nothing for it now. Riley had seen them together, so it was time to share the pain. They all thought he was an evil, soul-less thing. He may as well act like it.

'Well, looky here.' Spike sat up, the sheet covering him falling to his waist. 'I don't usually use the word delicious...but I've gotta wager this little tableau must sting a bit, eh?' Spike ran his hand down Buffy's back, noticing how stiff she was. She hadn't stopped staring at Riley since the door had opened and it hurt. Spike continued his verbal barrage, 'Me and your former? Must kill. What can I say? Girl just needs a little monster in her man.'

Riley's stiff expression, stance, hell the way he was holding his gun, hadn't changed since he opened to door on the scene. Spike was beginning to wonder if he'd turned to stone.

Riley couldn't stop staring at the sight that tore his gut. He forced down the rage that threatened to overwhelm him and focused on the mission.

'That's not why I'm here...doctor.'

* * *

Buffy couldn't move. She couldn't speak. She couldn't react. She sat there, staring at Riley while Spike shot his mouth off. She looked at Riley's frozen countenance and one thought got through the mental shut down... _tin soldier..._ In her head she giggled. Outwardly she didn't so much as twitch until something Riley said finally got through. Doctor...

Buffy looked at Spike, disbelievingly. 'Oh God!' she gasped. _A little late for that reaction Buff. Shoulda said it five minutes ago._

She noticed Spike flash her a look she couldn't read before he turned back to Riley. Buffy just clutched the blanket tighter to her chest as Spike spoke.

'Here I thought we'd run you out of town mate.' Spike began to look for his jeans. 'Last time I saw you, if memory serves, you were getting the juice sucked out of you by some undead ladies of very questionable reputation.' Spike pushed the sheet aside and began to pull on the pants that had been beside the sarcophagus. Riley looked away, embarrassed. 'Now be a good tin soldier and...' Spike flicked his fingers towards the door.

Riley began to walk closer. 'Where are they...Doctor?'

Spike gave him a slightly confused look, but replaced it with a sneer before answering, 'Where are what, and why do you keep calling me that?'

'Glad to be back in Sunnydale.' Riley gave Spike a slightly superior look, before continuing his speech. He wanted to savor this. 'The locals all speak English, and I knew who to beat for information.' Riley flashed a quick look at Buffy before turning back to glare at Spike, 'It's all lead me here.'

'Look, crew cut—' Spike began, before Buffy cut him off.

'Spike, stop it.'

Spike looked angry. 'Oh, so we're defending Captain Cardboard, are we? He waltzes back into town and it hurts, doesn't it? So you come here for a bit of cold comfort. Now there's some evil happening and you both figure old Spike must be behind it.' Spike did up his belt and threw on a shirt. He turned back to Buffy and Riley. 'Both of you, get out. I don't know who the bloody doctor is, but you can sod off and go find him without me.'

Buffy looked upset. _He thinks I think it's him!_

_Of course he does,_ she replied, _as far as he knows, you still don't give a rat's ass about him._

'Nice. Very distracting, Spike. Now tell me before I get unprofessional... where are the eggs?'

'Eggs!? You're off your nut!'

Buffy interrupted again. 'Riley! It can't be Spike.'

Spike glared at her, 'No need to defend me luv.'

Riley looked at her like she was a simpleton. 'Buffy, you seem to have this mistaken impression of Spike. Maybe he's helped a little, but you've forgotten who he really is: deadly, amoral, opportunistic. He's not some hero, Buffy. He's Spike.'

'Yes. Spike. The one who stuck by me when things got bad. You know...after you ran off.'

Spike turned to Buffy with wonder in his eyes. Riley looked murderous.

'I know I'm right, and I'll tear this crypt apart until I find those eggs.'

Spike growled at Riley, 'Over my dead body!'

'I've seen enough of your dead body for one night, thanks.' Riley pushed past them and headed to the ladder that led to the basement.

'Riley!' Buffy couldn't let him search the crypt. She wanted to believe Spike was innocent, but a part of her was worried that Riley's information was correct. If it was, she didn't want to know. She didn't want anything to ruin her budding relationship with Spike. 'Riley don't! It's...it's unconstitutional!' Buffy chased after Riley, still dressed only in a sheet, while Spike stared after them.

* * *

Riley stormed around the lower level of Spike's crypt. He knew the eggs were there. He knew it had to be Spike_. He's an evil vampire who's obviously done SOMETHING to Buffy...well they have done something, but there HAS to be a reason...she wouldn't...the eggs have to be here!_

Buffy followed Riley down the ladder, calling to him, 'Riley stop it! They're not here!'

Riley looked over at her. She was still draped in the sheet, her hair wild, her eyes wide. Riley looked her over and it hit him. He had never been able to tell what she was feeling when they were together, but looking at her standing in the middle of Spike's crypt he knew. She loved Spike. She had never been able to love him, but she loved Spike. Spike had been right. She needed a little monster in her...man.

The eggs weren't here. His informant had lied. He strode to Buffy, staring right into her eyes. What he found there only confirmed what he had thought earlier. She really loved him...that thing.

Riley grabbed her shoulder and pushed her up the stairs ahead of him. Buffy pulled away from his grasp before climbing the ladder. When she reached the top, Buffy saw Spike standing where she had left him, his face a blank mask. Buffy moved to him and put her arms around his waist, laying her head on his chest.

'I never doubted you for a second,' she said. She felt Spike stiffen.

'Didn't you, now,' he said, his voice sounding controlled.

Buffy looked up at his face and took in the clenching and unclenching of his jaw and the stormy look in his eyes. He didn't believe her. She cursed his ability to read her.

'Spike, I—'

Spike pulled away. 'Don't bother, luv. Don't know what I expected really.'

Riley watched them from the entrance to the tunnel. His hands fisted with contained emotion. He felt jealousy, rage, disgust, and something that was almost drowned out. He thought it might be happiness that Buffy had found someone she loved, but he couldn't tell. Riley watched as Buffy and Spike seemed to share a tender moment until Spike pulled away. That tore it. Riley grabbed a grenade from his belt and tossed it into the basement before he walked to the door, pushing past Buffy.

He paused at the entrance and said, 'you may want to duck,' before walking out into the night.

Buffy and Spike looked at each other before jumping behind the sarcophagus seconds before a blast shook the crypt.

When the dust settled, Spike was up, running to the basement, a string of curses following behind. He jumped down the hole, and Buffy could hear the swearing, slightly muffled, continuing from the lower floor.

Buffy found her clothes and got dressed before she made her way down the ladder where Spike was picking through the remains of his bedroom, cursing soldiers and their military paraphernalia. Buffy reached out to touch him on the shoulder, but drew her hand back.

'Spike...'

Spike stood up from where he'd been sifting through the rubble and turned to Buffy. 'Buffy...just,' his jaw tightened as he looked away, 'just go away. Leave me be, slayer.' He turned back to the ruins of his home.

Buffy stared at his back, tears filling her eyes. She turned and fled his crypt. She ran the whole way home and past a very surprised sister and friends. Buffy slammed her door and threw herself down on her bed. She clutched at Mr. Gordo, eyes clenched shut. She had screwed up. Another relationship down the tubes because of her.

* * *

She wasn't sure how long she lay there, forcing back tears, until a knock on her door roused her from her self-pity.

'Go away,' she croaked. Dawn poked her head around the door.

'Not likely,' she smiled sympathetically. 'The gang sent me up here to check on you. They think you and Riley got in a fight or something...'

'We did sorta, but that's not what upset me.'

Dawn looked at her questioningly until Buffy couldn't stand it anymore.

'I screwed up Dawn and now Spike hates me.'

'I highly doubt he hates you...what did you do?'

Buffy explained about Riley's visit to Spike's crypt, how he'd caught them

together (there she didn't go into too much detail), and how he'd flung around accusations. And how Buffy had half believed him. And how Spike had known the minute she'd chased after Riley.

'Dawn, I don't know what to do. I just can't seem to tell him. I can't form the words. I love you Spike...You think it would be easy! Arg! What's wrong with me?' Buffy grabbed a pillow and began to tear at it in frustration.

Dawn looked at her sister slowly turning a pillow into feathers and fabric and came to a decision. 'Buffy, talk to the Scoobies.'

Buffy froze. 'Geeze Dawn! Way to give me a heart attack! Why would I do that? All they'll say is "Buffy, Spike is evil. He's bad. He has no soul. You deserve better. Someone normal." I don't want to deal with it!'

'It's that attitude right there that's making you unable to tell Spike.'

'Huh?'

'You don't want to deal. You just want to coast along and hope everything works. Well guess what Buffy,' Dawn stood up and began to pace, 'you have to deal cause this stuff is not going to go away. So get up off your ass, march down those stairs and tell your friends!' Dawn took a breath and sat down on the bed again.

Buffy's mouth opened and closed. She looked at her sister who had come so far from the whiney brat she had been not too long ago. When had Dawn become wise?

'You're right Dawn,' Buffy said, sounding resigned. 'I need to talk to them. They're my friends and they need to know. I just...I've done this before with them and it never goes well.'

'Well, this time you have me to kick their asses.'

Buffy and Dawn smiled at each other. Buffy gave Dawn a hug before standing up, steeling herself, and heading to the stairs. She could do this. She could face her friend's judgments. She was, after all, the slayer.

* * *

Dawn walked down the stairs behind Buffy. She watched her sister's back, ready for the first sign of fleeing. Dawn knew this talk would be difficult for Buffy and her friends, but Dawn wasn't about to let Buffy crap out again. She wanted everything settled with the Scoobies so Buffy could settle everything with Spike. The poor guy deserved it after being jerked around for so long.

Buffy stopped about halfway down the stairs. She stood stalk still, back tensed. Dawn waited for a moment before poking her in the back, a reminder that there was no getting out of this confrontation. Buffy jumped a little, took a deep breath, and continued down the stairs to face her friends.

* * *

The Scoobies were assembled in the family room as Buffy entered. She took in their faces, all looking at her, all concerned. She craped out.

'So...have you guys heard from Riley? I...I, uh, haven't heard anything from him since...'

Anya picked up the tail end of Buffy's sentence. 'Since you two argued about his newly acquired wife, which he neglected to tell you about when he returned.'

Buffy nodded while Dawn glared at her. Everyone else looked at Anya with varying degrees of annoyance.

Buffy turned to look at Dawn and winced a little when she saw the look on her sister's face. Dawn wasn't going to let her out of this room without coming clean about Spike. And, as annoying as Dawn's mission was, Buffy did appreciate it. She really didn't want to keep hiding from her friends. Buffy wanted to make her feelings clear and help her friends understand. She just wasn't sure how to start. She needed to work up to it.

Xander had started speaking, so Buffy turned to listen.

'Well, he called actually. Sam found their dealer guy having a drink at Willy's. Riley says Sam did the whole undercover thing to convince the dealer to spill.' Xander turned to Anya, 'They are so cool! I wish we could be that cool.' Anya patted his arm as Xander regained this focus and finished his story. 'So the two of the capture the dealer and find all the eggs in some warehouse the guy was living in.' Xander's face then became concerned. 'He said he and Sam were going to take off, no goodbye again...he told me it was because of their captive, but...what happened Buff?'

The Scoobies all turned to look at her, faces displaying yet more concern, all certain her fight with Riley had been about Sam.

_Well, this bomb is about to destroy that little illusion..._

Buffy prepared herself. She took a deep breath and then began to speak. 'Um...Riley and I...we had a disagreement...' Buffy heard Dawn shift behind her and could almost feel her sister's disapproving glare on the back of her head. Buffy steeled herself again and went on. 'We had a disagreement about...Spike.'

The faces surrounding her changed drastically. At first everyone looked shocked, and then Xander looked disgusted, Willow more concerned than before, Anya confused, Tara happy, and Dawn impressed. Buffy continued before she lost her nerve. If she looked at Xander and Willow's faces for much longer Buffy knew she'd run and hide in her room. She forged ahead.

'He walked in on Spike and I...and he accused Spike of being the dealer. There was an argument and Riley tried to prove Spike was guilty when I wouldn't believe him. He got really angry when it turned out Spike didn't have the eggs so he threw a grenade in Spike's basement and ran out. I haven't seen him since. He didn't like that Spike and I were together and...that I...love him.'

Buffy sighed, relieved that she had gotten through her story without bolting. She sat down on one of the chairs and took in her friend's shocked faces. She stifled a giggle as she thought about the number of facial expressions the room had seen in the last ten minutes. Buffy lost her slight smile when Xander was the first to return to his right mind. That was when the yelling began.

* * *

Anya sat on the couch watching Xander take a piece out of Buffy. He paced around the room yelling about Spike: how Buffy shouldn't be seeing him, how he was evil and soul-less, how the only reason they weren't all dead was because of a chip. How he wasn't good enough for Buffy. So far no one had been able to get a word in edgewise.

She understood that Xander didn't approve of Spike, but she couldn't really understand why. Spike helped out, he looked after Dawn, and he clearly loved Buffy. But Xander refused to see those things. He wouldn't let anyone forget Spike's past.

Enough was enough. She may not know that much about being human, but Anya had never been afraid to speak her mind before, so she sure as the shrimp-less universe wasn't going to start now.

The ex vengeance demon stood and interrupted Xander's rant, hoping she didn't sound shrewish.

'Xander! Be quiet!' Xander stopped mid tirade. Anya thought he looked like a fish or a bowling ball with his eyes wide and mouth hanging open.

Now that Anya had his, and everyone else's, attention as well as a quiet that comes with a lack of screaming, she began to speak.

'Xander, you keeping yelling at Buffy about sex with Spike, but don't you remember when we first started having lots of orgasms? I was newly human and still missing vengeance. By the standards you are applying to Spike I should have been considered evil. But you didn't kill me.'

Xander opened and closed his mouth before answering. 'Of course not An. You were human.'

'Newly human. Still missing the vengeance. I've said it already.'

'But Spike's not human. He's a vampire. He spent a good portion of his life killing people and he's not sorry about it now. He doesn't regret all those awful things he did.'

'Neither did I...and I'm not even sure if I do now. I'm not saying that I want to start up with vengeance again, but a part of me still believes those men deserved what they got.' Anya paused for a second and looked at Xander. 'Are you ok with that?'

Xander looked like he didn't know what to say. Several indiscernible emotions flashed across his face before he finally answered. 'I guess I am...it's hard to think about, you know? But An, honey, I love you. That stuff's a part of who you are and I love you.'

Anya smiled, 'and Buffy loves Spike. She accepts his past and loves him. Maybe it's time for you to accept that.'

* * *

The Scoobies were gone. While Xander and Willow hadn't been doing back flips about Buffy and another vampire, they had seen the truth and wisdom in Anya's speech. Buffy was so grateful to the ex-vengeance demon that she had overlooked Anya's parting comment, 'I wish you two much happiness and many, many orgasms.'

Her friends had all left, leaving Buffy and Dawn alone in the entrance hall. Buffy turned to see Dawn giving her the most intense look. Buffy frowned at her and headed to the kitchen. Dawn followed, still staring at Buffy intensely.

Finally she couldn't take it anymore and whirled on her sister yelling, 'What!?' but Dawn just cocked an eyebrow and continued to stare calmly.

'You haven't told him yet, have you?'

Buffy growled before her shoulders sagged in defeat. 'No,' she replied.

Dawn continued to stare at her until Buffy couldn't take it anymore.

'Fine!' Buffy strode to the door and grabbed her coat, still talking to her sister. 'I'm going ok! I'll tell him so you can get off my back!'

Buffy slammed the door and Dawn's face split into a huge grin. Her sister was going to be happy if she had to prod her every step of the way.

* * *

Buffy stood outside Spike's door. She couldn't force herself to enter. Her brain, her conscience, her whatever was yelling at her.

_Go inside! Break down the bloody door and ravage him! Tell him you love him then kiss him! Do something!_

But she couldn't. She didn't know why she was freezing up. She was just so scared. If she told him, then it would be real. She couldn't deny it anymore and he would have power over her. The same power that Angel and Riley and her father had had. The power to leave her.

_He already has that power you idiot! If he left now you would be just as devastated! More because you never had the chance to let him know! Now get your ass in there and tell him you love him!_

Buffy jerked out of her immobility with the forcefulness of her own inner voice.

_Sir, yes sir!_ she thought before reaching to open the door.

Spike looked up from where he was pacing by the sarcophagus, clearly surprised. Buffy took in his appearance. His wide blue eyes, his slicked back blonde hair, his sexy leather duster, his...backpack?

She looked up at his face, eyes wide. 'Spike? Are you...'

'Leaving. Thinking of it. Just for a little while. Need to clear my head.'

'But...you said you'd never leave.'

'Ya, well, vampires not notably reliable, right?' Spike shifted his pack on his shoulder. 'Look, luv, I have to be strong about this. Staying with you I'm just being weak and selfish...' Buffy couldn't believe her ears. She couldn't believe this was really happening. '...And it's killing me. I'm sorry, Buffy.'

He began to walk to the door, out of her life like every other man she'd ever loved. She'd done it again. She'd driven another one away.

She remembered something Xander had said to her before Riley had left the first time. Something about begging...

Buffy stood firmly in the doorway, not letting Spike pass. Spike looked at her and then looked down.

'Leave me alone slayer. I have to do this.'

'Spike, no! You can't leave! I'm the one being weak and selfish. I was such a coward. I should have told you as soon as I knew, but I couldn't! I wanted to, but I couldn't! I don't know why. Maybe because of what you are. But it doesn't matter, and now it's too late! You're leaving me like everyone else and I drove you away and it's all my fault!' Buffy was getting frantic.

Spike looked at her face, confused. He didn't know what she was trying to say, but it filled him with hope. He didn't want to leave. He knew he wouldn't be able to stay away long, but he felt the need to clear his head. And this display was exactly why. She was so hot and cold, always contradicting herself. He felt the need for some clarification.

'Pet, what the bloody hell are you talking about?'

Buffy looked him in the eye. This was her moment, he was listening and she could make it all right.

'Spike, I love you.'

Spike froze. His first reaction was joy, but his inner Buffy-voice kept telling him she was lying, trying to get him to stay so she could torment him more. He searched her face, looking for some sign that she was just screwing with him more. He found none. He studied her face, joy growing.

Buffy looked at him nervously. 'Spike? You heard me? Spike dropped the bag, closed the distance between them and kissed her fiercely.

Buffy pulled back a little, looking at his eyes. 'Spike...you're not going to leave, are you?'

'Of course not, luv. I probably wouldn't have gotten farther than the city limits before I turned around and came back. I love you, Buffy, and I'll stick around until you stake me.' Spike kissed her again, slowly this time and Buffy clung to him, terrified at how close she'd come to losing him, the man she loved.

They missed the bed. Again.

**The End**


End file.
